Albus Dumbledore, former Headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, said “You fail to recognize that it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.”

Growth is an important aspect of these wise words. We each have enormous potential to be extraordinary, and do extraordinary things.

The significance of choice is also embedded in Dumbledore’s wisdom. We can choose. We have the choice to grow into something great…or like Tom Riddle, something evil. And we can choose to focus on helping others grow and unleash their greatness, or choose to write them off.

Are you focusing on growth? Yours? Others’? Are you choosing to bring out the best in people? How do you help your people grow? And are you truly authentic in your desire to help others?  Can you guide someone through the winding career pathways and help them grow into what they are capable of being?  Can you be brutally honest—yet simultaneously caring—while creating a high impact conversation?

The best leaders feel enriched when coaching others, because they do it with the right frame of mind. They see coaching and feedback moments as gifts. It’s a two for the price of one experience.

To keep coaching simple, real, and enriching, here are three tips:

• Develop an honest relationship.  Just about anyone can develop some sort of relationship with someone, but not everyone is gifted at creating honest relationships.  Candor is truly hard. It takes guts, and requires effort.  It can feel like you’re being mean or hurtful, while others get defensive or feel beat up. Yet, an honest relationship is focused on being kind and candid, where perceptions and truth can be discussed in a future-focused way.

• Ask critical questions.  Honest relationship or not, coaching requires insightful questions and patience.  Most coaching conversations become emotional, whether overtly or under the surface. When critical or negative feedback is given, emotions get involved, and one’s self-concept gets involved. (“Do you not like me? Am I being ignored?  Do other people hate me?  Why isn’t anyone listening to me?”).  Asking questions provides the opportunity to slow the pace, deepen the conversation and develop an understanding around the facts and background.

Some of my (Kelley O’Hara’s)  favorite questions:

• When you say that, what does that mean?  What might it mean to others?
• Can you give an example?
• How did you come to that conclusion?
• What did you do next?  What do you want to do now?
• How can I help you?

These questions serve to clarify the challenges and they prevent more potential for miscommunication. You also have the chance to understand the individual’s thinking and help them clarify their own perspective. This gets you both to focus on actions and moving forward in partnership. As the coach, it is not your responsibility to fix the situation, but to be a part of it and help accelerate the journey toward greater effectiveness and purpose.

• Listen!  No really. Just listen. Listening seems as if it would be easy, but it is usually quite tough! Why?  There are many reasons. Often, leaders are used to solving problems quickly and efficiently. They want to cut to the chase. True listening requires being completely present, suspending some judgment, and not thinking much about what you are going to say next.

So as you develop more honest relationships, ask more insightful questions, and listen more deeply, make sure to choose growth.

Make sure you’re being like Dumbledore. Ask yourself if you are seeing the potential of what people can truly be. Are you helping to develop people into amazing human beings? Are you telling your team what they need to hear?  Don’t wait until it feels comfortable. Just do it. It’s okay that it’s uncomfortable.  And when in doubt, remember Headmaster Dumbledore.

Also remember that it truly does matter what someone grows to be. Choose to help them be extraordinary, and you’ll be more extraordinary yourself.

Tagged as: Executive Coaching, Honest Relationships